Coffee for Dummies

This morning, I drank instant coffee for the third day in a row. It actually is starting to tase good. Sad, I know. If you're a "real" coffee drinker, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I don't have many vices. I don't smoke, rarely drink, and the strongest drug I take is Benadryl during allergy season. Coffee is really all I have.

I actually stopped drinking coffee for a couple of years after becoming pregnant with my first child. At the time, I drank four or five cups a day. Big cups. Suddenly, I was sick as a dog and unable to even take the elevator at work with someone who drank coffee at any time that day (I could SMELL it on them). So, on top of being perpetually nauseous and exhausted, I also had a killer headache for a good month. Boy did I look good at work back then (NOT). Good times.

I didn't go back to drinking the caffeinated version until long after I had Dylan, my second child. I guess I just got tired of never being awake. Call it justification, but I have very low blood pressure (varies from 86/40 to 100/60), and, well, it's hard enough for me to get out of bed in the morning. Some people are morning people. I am not. It's a family trait, actually - all of my siblings are perpetually late for work. Someday research may link a particular gene to the Lateness Trait. Until then, there's coffee. And I'm not the only fan: recent studies show myriad benefits in drinking coffee, including getting two grams of fiber per cup as well as a link to lower rates of Altzheimer's Disease in drinkers. Of the wagon I went, and remain so to this day.

My coffee habit is now at a manageable 1-2 cups per day. Since it doesn't make sense to brew an entire pot of coffee for just 'lil old me, I switched to a Keurig about three years ago. Yes, I know, those little plastic cups are not environmentally friendly. Whatever. I'll switch to brewed inside the supplied mini filter at some point. Just not now.

Two-and-a-half years ago, my husband bought me the most wonderful anniversary present ever: The Uber Keurig. This baby stored a ton of water, plus filtered the water for exceptional taste. Even my husband and kids got into the act once they discovered the green tea, hot chocolate and apple cider K cups. You just can't beat the K cups for variety for my family of eight.

Unfortunately, right before last Christmas, after a year of faithfully caring for my Uber Keurig, the message "Descale" came up. I diligently descaled with vinegar, but alas, my coffee maker was never the same. Sadly, it stopped working completely at 368 days of age, which was right after my one-year warranty ran out.

Undeterred, I headed to Bed, Bath & Beyond with my 20% off coupon. I wandered the aisles for an hour, finally settling on the Uber Cuisinart, which was (gasp!) $300, but came with a three-year warranty. I headed for the check-out aisle, then bought vinegar in bulk at Waldbaum's for regular descaling.

Upon getting home and opening my Uber Cuisinart, I discovered that this one was used and soaked in bleach before being returned. This should have been a warning sign. However, the sign went unheeded as I headed back to the store and switched it for another Uber Cuisinart.

The "Descale" message began to appear six weeks in. I complied, buying vinegar in bulk, descaling every four-to-six weeks, thinking nothing of it (warning sign #2).

Now, eight months later, the "Descale" message will not go away in spite of the vinegar that's been sitting in its water container for a week. Nothing will make my Uber Cuisinart suck up the vinegar so that its insides can be purified. What about the three-year warranty, you ask? Yes, I know, and I'm about to call. I suspect, however, that I'll have to pack up this Uber Monstrosity and mail it back, which is a cumbersome and expensive process. Ughhh.

After hitting Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts for a few days, I finally decided to buy the handy-dandy instant Starbucks packets to get me through until I could figure out a more permanent solution to my predicament.

Blechhhh! Sorry, folks, but I haven't had instant coffee since I lived at home (thanks for the reminder, Monica). I'm thinking now that it may be one of the reasons I moved out (sorry Mom).

At some point today, I will be calling Cuisinart to attempt to troubleshoot this issue. If I need to send it in to them, well, not sure when I'll get to that.

In the meantime, I just sucked down yet another cup of instant. It's definitely growing on me.