Bittersweet Days

My six-year-old is writing a story. I have spelled "Once upon a time" about ten times since last night. This is a good thing. Better, he remembers how to spell "park" (it's the little things).

Princess and I had a late breakfast this morning. We both have a cold, so we spent some extra time cuddling under the covers before venturing downstairs.

She's been particularly attached to me since I returned from Chicago late Thursday night. Funny - I was glad that the babies seemed to be doing fine with their Daddy and the rest of the family, but I secretly wondered if anyone really missed me. The truth is, I know that it's a good thing that all of the kids are content and secure when Mommy is away for a couple of days. It means they trust their Dad, their Grandma, each other. But it's also nice to know that someone missed you.

My kids were fine, but they were also happy to see me. Princess in particular, though, showed me by her actions that no one was a substitute for Mommy. She normally has no problem going to her brothers if I need to walk away for a moment (say, to use the bathroom). Not this time. She screams and cries that pitiful cry if I need to leave her with anyone for two entire minutes. Then when I get back, she nuzzles into me with her thumb in her mouth, sighs, murmers to me in that nonsensical baby babble that tugs at my heart.

Princess has been with us for almost 17 months now. Since she was born. She feels like my own child. Five children by birth, and Princess is the only one who: Sucks her thumb, likes to cuddle with her blankie, has that supersoft skin. All traits of mine when I was a baby. She is relaxed. She is the only one who goes to sleep at a decent hour, and she is the only one (still) who sleeps through the night. When we go shopping together, she sits in the carriage, takes in the sights, looks up at me lovingly. We share lunch, then we go home.

Now that things are "winding up" before the wind down, there is someone who has decided that she is better off with them than with "strangers." Someone very far away. We will support whatever is decided. We want what's best for our Princess, whatever that means.

We are trying not to think about the future. We are taking one day at a time, for whatever time we have together.